Many women don't speak about this yet a
lot of women go through it for various reasons. A whole lot more than one would
think and there's this stigma attached to getting abortions and it is something
that we as a society should address.
You can never even begin to imagine what
it's like until you have to go through it yourself. I know people say things
like it's your fault, you should have known better, hell I used to be one
of them (I kind of still am). Anyways here's my story:
I had just turned 21 and I felt like my
life just wasn't enough. I wanted more; more out of life, my relationships and
more for myself. So I ended a 2 and a half year relationship that I didn't see
going anywhere and started dating what one would call a "bad boy". He
was a bad boy in the sense that he was nothing like my ex who inexperienced
with women, he was bold, intelligent and charming but also the kind of man your
mom would probably warn you to stay away from.
We were madly in love (or so I thought).
He gave me this rush I had never felt before and I loved it. I felt more alive
when I was with him and also more myself. When it was good it was great and
when it was bad... Well it was awful. I don't know what it was but there was
just something about him that I couldn't shake. I wanted him, all of him, but
that was just something he couldn't give; I later realized.
Anyways we had been dating a few months
and our sex life was great but I had always been careful. In fact in my
previous 2 and a half year relationship I had never had unprotected sex, even
when I was on birth control. I guess I should have known better but I somehow
let him convince me that it was okay... anyways this one time we were lying in
bed just talking and he mentioned casually in a conversation that the previous
time we were together he had removed the condom while we were having sex. I
thought he was playing some kind of a sick joke but he was being dead serious.
I immediately just get up and left because I just did not know what else to do
at that point, I was furious. Furious at the fact that I had let this happen,
furious because I should have felt the difference, furious for the mere fact
that I ad trusted me yet he thought it was okay to do such a thing. I mean I
thought he loved me and I felt so betrayed. How could he do this to me???
Anyways he told me weeks after the
incident and I was starting to notice small changes in my body that I just
dismissed. My clothes were tight, my boobs seemed to be growing then I realized
that I hadn't had my period in a while. I went downstairs to the nearest store
and bought a pregnancy test because I'm a "need to know NOW" kind of
person. Yeah, the test came back positive which is exactly what I had feared
but had known after all the warning signs - I was pregnant. I knew immediately
though that I was not going to be a mom. Having a kid was out of the question.
How the hell was I going to explain to my mom who had just thrown me a 21st
birthday just a few months ago that I was pregnant and I did not want to be a
mom! Not yet.
I called my boyfriend immediately and told
him that we needed to talk urgently. He was too busy drinking with his friends
at the time to come and talk to me so I ended up telling him via text and he
came down immediately. Funny thing was he seemed happy at the news even though
I had made it clear that we were not going to keep it. He ended up respecting
my decision and helped me find a clinic, which we then visited about a week later.
I had to use my grocery allowance from my parents to pay for all of this
because I did not want them to know. We went there together and they did an
ultrasound and they told me that I was actually 8 weeks and 3 days pregnant and
I just went numb. Mind you all this was happening during test season so I was
not studying. I was also angry at myself for waiting for so long to go to the
clinic.
We scraped some money together and got
enough to pay for the procedure. They told me they were going to give me
2 pills to take. I took 1 immediately at the clinic and the other I was
instructed to take at a specific time the next day. That second pill was a real
mother fucker; it's the one that empties the uterus. I went from being fine to
excruciating stomach cramps, diarrhoea and sweating and feeling freezing cold.
I have never felt a stomach cramp like that in my life, period pains don't even
compare. I was running up and down to the bathroom at res hoping nobody would
notice me and ask me what was going on. I was throwing up and I had diarrhoea
basically at the same time. I actually tried to position myself on the toilet
seat so I could do both at the same time and ended up puking on my inner
thighs. Later my roommate came back I was praying she wouldn't notice anything.
I tried to be as quiet as I possibly could so she wouldn't see what I was going
through.
I tried to get some and was woken up by a
sudden movement in my lower stomach and before I could even make it to my door
I felt I huge lump coming out of my vagina and blood started gushing down my
legs, soaking my pyjamas and I ran to the bathroom with this lump in my pants
as fast as I could. I was convinced I would find a baby in my pants and I was
absolutely terrified. It was nothing but a huge clumpy mess of blood which I
then flushed down the toilet. I washed my blood soaked pants. I don't know how
nobody saw or even noticed me because I was afraid it was going to turn into a
huge scene and the whole res floor would found out.
I bled for I think it was about a week
after that. I did not even attend lectures because I was afraid I would bleed
out in front of everyone so I stayed alone in my room until I felt like it was
safe.
I know you're probably wondering why I was
not taking birth control, well I felt like I never needed it before. I had
always used condoms and they worked for me just fine for years so I did not
think it was necessary for anything else. I went on the contraceptive injection
after the abortion even though I had hated the idea of injecting things into my
body. I mean I had been with my previous boyfriend for 2 and a half years
without any baby slip ups. We were very responsible and I always try to be. If
it was not for my ex "stealthing" I probably never would have gone
through any of this. I take full responsibility for my part in the pregnancy.
(By the way; stealthing is when your partner removes the condom during sex
without your knowledge).
That was the worst and most
traumatizing experience of my life. It made me feel weak and guilty and depressed.
That was my lowest point in life especially since I felt like I went through
all of it by myself. The guy I was dating was not very supportive, he was
dealing with his own demons, don't know. We ended breaking up a while later and
I was depressed after that. That rest of that year was terrible, I just felt
like I had dug myself into a whole I couldn't get out of and I was drowning. I
felt scared and alone and my whole life just fell apart.
Eventually he broke up with me (I have no
memory of this) I just remember trying to call him and receiving a Facebook
message saying and I quote “what do you want, I broke up with you remember!” I
felt devastated. After a few weeks I tried to seek help form the school
guidance counsellor because I felt like I was dying inside. Everything was just
too much for me to handle on my own. I went for 1 session at the end of the year;
it didn’t do much for me and never went back…
I tried to start over and move on from
that experience but it became too much for me. I ended up moving back home and
dropping out of university because I just wanted a fresh start; actually I was
academically excluded for poor performance and I did not bother to appeal. I
was done. It took me a long time to actually feel good about myself again and
learn to love and forgive myself for what I did. I never in a million years
imagined I would go through anything like that.
I know many of you are against my decision
and think it was murder and that it was wrong; but I believe I have the right
to decide what happens to my body. I did not plan on getting pregnant, it was
due to stealthing. I thought I was with someone I could trust and sadly I was
wrong. The last thing I would expect someone to do is to remove a condom during
sex. I have always been sexually responsible and I did everything in my power
not to fall pregnant my entire sexually active life. To this day I do not
regret my decision. I now know better than to completely trust my partner and
that I should always take extra precautions. It was a very difficult experience
and I have not been in a serious relationship since.
Abortion is not a topic we should shy away
from. We should talk about it and address such issues as women and remove the
stigma behind it. I did not want to talk about what I was/ had gone through
with anyone for fear of being judged. There were days when all I did was cry
and sleep and I didn't know who to turn to. My mom is not the type of person
who understands any of this so I never felt like I could talk to her and when I
finally did all she said was that that's just what boys do. I stupidly tried
talking to an ex because he was the closest person to me at some point and he
basically said I deserved everything I was going through which only depressed
me even more.
Fast track to today; I am happy and
healthy and glad to report that my fertility was not affected by the whole
process because that was my greatest fear. I did have a bit of a cervical
cancer scare, don't know whether or not it is related but I am pleased to
report that I am happy and healthy.
There were times when it felt like I would
never get through this experience but I did. It hasn't overshadowed my life or
made me feel negative towards getting pregnant (on purpose) in the future. I
spoke to my gynaecologist who said he doesn't see any reason why it would
affect my fertility and that everything in terms of my reproductive organs
looks healthy. I do hope to have kids one day when I meet the right person.
No comments:
Post a Comment