Sunday, 21 October 2018

I'm Done with Casual Sex - Hello Celibacy! | Blogtober Day 21

So I have decided to be celibate. I didn't just make this decision right now, I made it after the last time I had sex which was at the beginning of the year. It’s all part of my self-love journey. Casual sex just isn’t for me anymore!

I won’t lie to you it has been hard. It’s not easy once you’re not a virgin to just stop having sex; especially when it’s just a phone call or a text away (well it wasn’t for me anyways). I haven’t been in a relationship since 2015 I think and it wasn’t even a long one. That relationship ended way before I had felt it had truly begun and it was because I wanted to wait to have sex. I had been with guys before but I wanted that relationship to be different because I felt different about him. Long story short; he ended up sleeping with his cousin’s friend while we were together behind my back and ultimately ghosting me. I wanted to wait and he didn’t and I won’t lie I did kind of regret giving in but I mean; what’s the point of regret. That was one of the experiences that got me thinking about celibacy.

I have had guys call their girlfriend’s while I was naked in their beds, I’ve been called by the wrong name and a lot of other “not so nice” experiences. Don’t get me wrong, some of that stuff was fun while it was happening (not any if the 2 I just mentioned) but I did have some fun but it got to a point where I just got bored and tired. Tired of being used and tired of using people and also I don’t want to be the girl who messes around with people’s boyfriends and that is exactly who I had become.

Back to the whole reason behind this post; I decided to become celibate because something inside me has changed. I want more, I crave more. I want to have a deeper connection with someone that goes way beyond the physical. I actually want to be loved. I also feel like I am too old to be messing around, not because of my age per say but because of my mind set. I was not designed to be a “fuck buddy”. I have actually never been okay with that, it was just something I was doing first to fill a void then just to pass time. I stopped feeling that way a long time ago but you know what they say; old habits die hard (laughs). I am done with all that, in fact I’ve BEEN done with all that.

The other day I saw an article about the average number of sexual partners a person has in their lifetime and I was WAY over (whoops). The average is different between men and women.

I feel like by giving myself to people I don’t love; I am closing off the chance of actually falling in love. I don’t know if that even makes sense but it’s a different version of me that does casual sex. I have outgrown that version of myself now though.  I want someone I can call in the middle of the night to have a laugh without having him think it’s weird or asking me questions like, “what do you want?” I want to be valued and spoilt and truly loved and I am willing to wait for all that because I feel like it’s within my reach.

I’m a grown ass woman. I don’t have time for booty calls anymore and god forbid I become pregnant. What then? I think that was my biggest reason behind deciding to put a stop to the whole casual sex thing. One of my worst nightmares is to have a kid with someone I do not love and having to explain to the child when they are older why mommy is a single mom and why daddy doesn’t love her when he never did.

I did a deep introspection and looked at my past relationships and why they turned out the way they did and decided on exactly what I want and I’m refusing to settle for anything but.

Also I agree to the fact that men and women are designed differently and therefore we don't view sex the same. I used to fight this but from my personal experience I know that it is true that it's far more difficult for a woman not to feel when they have sex because is is a kind of emotional experience for us and I just think it's an experience better done with someone you love. But I get it, we aren't all the same.

I don't think casual sex is good for my mental health. After a while it brings about feelings of uncertainty and I start questioning my worth as a woman. I tried to convince myself it wouldn't make me do so but honestly it does. There was a time I could feel myself getting depressed and looking back it was because my actions were not in line with what I wanted.

This is also how I am deciding to show myself that I love myself, by doing things that only make me feel good.

Oh did I forget to mention that not all STDs are preventable by condom use? Yup! You heard me; even if you use condoms there is still risk of contracting some STDs or STIs. Even if you use a condom there is still a chance of contracting an STD; the only things that's 100% is abstinence. If there's one awesome benefit of abstinence, that's it!

I would like to hear your thoughts and feelings about casual sex;why you do it or why you don't. Please leave your thoughts in the comments.

Saturday, 20 October 2018

26 Blog Post Ideas | Blogtober Day 20

At some stage, many if us bloggers get writer's block. Our brains freeze and we have no idea what to write about. It's happened to me plenty of times when it came to blogging or even essay writing at school or when I'm doing my varsity assignments. It freaken sucks!

I have decided to give you guys a list of ideas for your next blog post (or whatever it is you're writing). I might end up using some of these myself after I write this post. Here we go:
  1. My first kiss
  2. My first day at uni/varsity
  3. My first break up
  4. A list of your favourite movies
  5. Your favourite social media platforms & why
  6. How I relax after a long stressful day
  7. Your fitness routine
  8. Your first car
  9. How to make your favourite meal
  10. Your pet peeves
  11. What it was like leaving home for the first time
  12. How you got engaged
  13. How you met your significant other
  14. How to be single
  15. Fun things to do in your hometown
  16. The worst thing that has ever happened to you and how you got over it
  17. The best thing that has ever happened to you
  18. Why you love or hate your job
  19. You dream job
  20. What you are studying and why
  21. Your dating checklist
  22. Blogging tips you'd like to give fellow or new bloggers
  23. Why you started blogging
  24. Facts about yourself
  25. Your first pet
  26. Who's your role model and why
Hopefully this list will help you out next time you have writer's block. I know 26 is an odd number but that's just ow many ideas I came up with at the time I sat down to write this post; I could have left one off and made it a list of 25 but what the heck? I just decided to go for it.

Feel free to share some of your blog post ideas with me. Even if you feel a certain topic has been "overwritten"; go ahead and write about it. Every blogger has their own unique voice and there's no one in this world who can tell your story or a version of a story like you.

Friday, 19 October 2018

How I Love Myself | Blogtober Day 19

Self - love is very important. You need to know how to love yourself before you can truly love and appreciate someone else... well at least that's what I think.

So how do I love myself and how do I show myself I love me?

I practice positive self-talk; the way you talk to yourself is extremely important. It's not always easy but I stop myself when I can feel I am being too hard on myself or thinking of myself in a negative way. No matter how bad you think you’re doing at lie, you only become a failure when you give up. Never give up on yourself!

I treat my body well, I try to be healthy and lead an active lifestyle. I go for walks and get some fresh air when I feel stressed. I try to eat a balanced diet without depriving myself of delicious sugary treats. The trick is to do everything in moderation. Have that slice of chocolate cake but don't sit on your ass the whole weekend. Find a physical activity that you enjoy whether it's bike riding or even simply just walking and do that. Exercise is an important aspect of a healthy life, a great stress reliever and it makes you feel great.

I treat myself once in a while, I take bubble baths and soak my feet and do manis and pedis, even if I'm broke I try to do a little something for myself that will make me feel good. Take a nice long, hot bubble bath works just as well for me.

I have stopped trying to get men to accept and love me, I know I am an incredible woman who deserves to have a man wait until I'm ready and doesn't rush me into things. If a man is only interested in sex, he can move right along. I'm good! Love isn't about sex and some of these men barely even love themselves. Never! Ever! Have sex because you feel like it's what the other person wants; someone who cares about you should understand and be supportive of your decision, if not then it's time to move on. The last thing you need is to give in only to be left feeling regret when he changes his mind. I know because I have been there and I will never give in to such pressure ever again.

Hanging around people who breed negativity is also a no-no for me. I follow my intuition and if it's telling me something stinks - I'm out. I have stopped second guessing myself because I came to find that my gut feeling is right about 99% of the time so I should follow it and save myself from a lot of disappointment. This goes for friends as well, I have stopped feeling guilty for not wanting certain people in my life anymore and trying to justify why they should stay. It was emotionally draining and left me feeling awful. It's so unnecessary to force yourself to be around people and things you don't want to be around; socially speaking. At work I only deal with negative people as far as I have to.

Life can get very hectic and stressful so it's important to let your hair down every once in a while, find something that you love and do it as much as you can. Blogging is one of those things for me.

If you liked this post, check out “Why it's important for women to love themselves”.

Thursday, 18 October 2018

Why Reading is Important ... For Everyone | Blogtober Day 18

I love reading. Reading takes you on adventures to places you could never see and opens your imagination. It’s just fantastic!

I think that it is important for everyone to read; whether you are young or old. There are plenty of genres to choose from so that means that there’s something for everyone.  I find it sad that the younger generation of today has appalling English reading and writing skills. Actually it’s not just the younger generations, I have seen emails and formal work communication with simple spelling errors and it automatically makes your written communication look unprofessional.

Kids should be taught to enjoy reading and books from early in life so that it becomes second nature for them to pick up a book in their spare time. Reading encourages creativity and I’ve heard that it puts our brains in a state that is similar to meditation, I can identify with that because reading has the ability to take you away. Have you ever gotten your hands on a novel that was so juicy and good that you couldn’t bring yourself to put it down and before you know it, the story was over and it left you yearning for more? That’s what I love about a good book.

A breakdown of reading benefits:

Escape from reality
Improved writing skills
Encourages creativity
Increased knowledge
Builds vocabulary

Encouraging troubled teens to read is a great way to get them to stay out of trouble and encourage them to spend more time at the library building their knowledge. Kids these days are far too busy with video games, if children are not going to play outside they can at least exercise their minds by reading. You don’t even have to take them to the local library anymore because we now have e-books. 

Story time is also a great bonding activity for both parents and kids. It helps parents build a close relationship with their little ones and if you teach your children to get used to reading from a young age; they’ll carry that through life.

My dad is an avid reader, he's the one who bought me "Feel the fear & do it anyway" for me when I was struggling with career choice (well life in general) a few years back.

Personally I enjoy reading fiction books; I don't have a favorite author but I enjoyed Roald Dahl as a kid; I used to check books out at the school library. I did most of my reading back then but as an adult I don't always make time with work and studying but I know it's no excuse; I could dedicate some of my TV watching time to reading. 

I encourage you to read every day; even if it’s just 15 to 30 minutes, whatever free time you have use it to read!

Wednesday, 17 October 2018

What I Have Learnt About Myself Through Blogging | Blogtober Day 17

Have you ever thought about becoming a blogger or a writer? If the answer is yes then I suggest you put the fear and worries aside and just get to it. Blogging is an awesome way to connect with people and grow as a person. I am enjoying my blogging experience and no 2 days are ever the same.

Like many new things, blogging can bring about feelings of uncertainty. Am I writing the right thing? Are people going to like and relate to this? Truth is; IT DOESN’T MATTER.!!!You must write about things that you enjoy writing about. If you are being genuine and authentic; people will respond and gravitate towards you.

I have also learnt a few things about myself through this experience and I'd like to share them with you today. What I have learnt through blogging is that:

1.     I am fully capable of achieving whatever I set my mind to
2.     I can actually write
3.     I have the power to touch others with my words
4.     I enjoy sharing my thoughts with others
5.     I have quite a lot to say
6.     My opinion is valid
7.     Sharing my story has the power to help and influence others in a positive manner
8.   There’s no shame in being vulnerable and sharing my personal stories and hardships in life
9.  People out there are genuinely supportive – the blogging community is the most loving I have ever come across

If you are thinking of becoming a blogger; DO IT! It is a great learning experience and can lead to both personal and professional growth. I love blogging and it has become a big part of my life.

Tuesday, 16 October 2018

Careers They Should Have Told Us About in High School | Blogtober Day 16

Choosing a career can be a daunting process for some while others have their careers chosen for them. One thing I have noticed is that in the black community there are only a handful of careers that people actually care about. If you aren't an accountant, a doctor or a lawyer then nobody gives a flying F#! about you. This narrative is only changing now and very slowly.

In high school we had some colleges and universities come and speak to us about the degrees and diplomas they had on offer but what about those who don't want to go to college or university or can't afford to. Which other options do they have?

I am taking it upon myself to inform you guys what these careers/jobs are. You can still have a proper job and life even if you don't go to college or start your own business. Below are a list of job/career options and their requirements you have if opt not to further your studies:

Matric/grade 12
Code 10 driver’s license with PDP
You will be required to pass a physical assessment
Must not be claustrophobic
Not afraid of heights

grade 10
over 18 years of age
practical work experience

a good eye
technical ability

Flight attendant/air hostess
matric/grade 12
at least 1,58m tall
physically fit
strong swimmer (in case of emergency landing in water)
proficient in English
citizen of South Africa

Please note that these are only basic, entry level requirements and like other jobs; may have other additional requirements specific to each department.

You do not have to follow the traditional route of obtaining a diploma or degree to be a success in life. These are just a few career options, I’m sure there are plenty of other legal money making alternatives out there. It is also important to do further research before you commit yourself to starting or pursuing a career.

Monday, 15 October 2018

The Upside of my Job | Blogtober Day 15

Not everything is all doom and gloom at work like I'm sure you must think from reading why I hate my job. I've decided to write this post because I feel like it wasn't 100% fair of me to just "diss" my job and then not mention some of the positive aspects of it. You know what they say "no matter what; there is always a bright side", so that's what I'll be focusing on today.

I got my current job after being unemployed for about 3 months; I absolutely hated my previous job so I really didn't mind when it was over but when you're used to not having to ask for money for everything, life really changes. I was glad for the opportunity to have some of my own money for things and not having to ask mommy to buy me tampons.

The upside of my job:

It has allowed me the opportunity to gain some independence. I might not be completely independent yet but there are things I can do for myself on my own now. I buy my own toiletries for starters. No more running to mommy when I'm out of sanitary products and deodorant.

My job has given me the opportunity to go back to school and get a qualification. I dropped out of university, back then my parents were paying for it. It did not go well and I was depressed. I came back home and took a year off studying, during that time I got a job and tried to convince my parents I was ready to return but to no avail. They lost faith in me because off my first attempt at getting a degree which I understand but I mean I can't wait for them to want to willingly invest in me again. They kept telling me I'm not ready when I knew I was, then 1 day I realised no man, you have a job and you can actually pay for this yourself. I applied got accepted and went back to school without having to ask my parents for anything. I am now funding my studies from my own pocket and it makes me feel so proud. I can pay for my studies slowly each month. It was hard and draining being constantly reminded that I was a dropout and being asked questions like, "If you didn't manage to get your degree the first time; what makes you think you can get it now?” Now I answer only to myself! 

With the little money I have managed to join the gym. I find fitness and health is of utmost importance and should be everyone's top priority but I get it, we're not all the same.

I have also managed to get myself my own cell phone that I want from my own pocket. I don't have to ask anyone to buy me data and airtime anymore because I can get it for myself now. I even purchased myself a brand new laptop, I accidentally dropped mine when I was in varsity and no one managed to repair it so I was laptop less for a few years. I needed the laptop in order to be able to do schoolwork when I returned to my studies; I'm using that very laptop to blog right now.

The work environment itself is actually quite positive. I don't think I will ever find another job that is as chilled, my boss (the one that's stationed at the office) is approachable and intelligent. We talk about anything & everything and he understands when staff has personal problems. I am quite the "sickly" employee and I don't get shit about it when I don't have a doctor's note. We generally get along quite well as staff in the office, we have small issues here and there like any other workplace but overall I'd say we're good. When things are going well we get free lunch quite regularly. There was a point my mom kept asking me why I don't eat supper at home anymore because I was always claiming to be full. 

My job has allowed me to gain some of the necessary skills I need in my career such as interpersonal skills, communication skills and it has given me work experience. Working there has given me the opportunity to see and experience a real workplace situation. I know more or less what it takes to successfully run a company, how to work with people and how people react in certain unfavourable work situations. I have also learnt a great deal about myself in a work environment and I now know what kind of employee I am and which areas I need to improve on personally.

My boss is very understanding of the fact that I am a part time student and allows me to use company resources for my studies (as long as I don't abuse them of course). It has made managing work and studies a little easier for me so I don't always feel like I'm under immense pressure. I'm even able to go and work at the office on weekends should I need to do so.

I still need a new job though because I need the cash!